She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
