im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
