Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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