He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
