i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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