i jhust puked up my retainher.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
