somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
