it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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