I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Pooping to opera.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
