Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So much rum. So many feels.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
