If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
