The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
