it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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