the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
