just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
