Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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