Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
