Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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