I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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