That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
