i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
