she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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