mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
