I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
