thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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