how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
