I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
