I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
