I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
