I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i came on her dog
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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