what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
