So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
