Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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