I wish I only lived at night.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
