my phone needs a breathalizer
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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