I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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