smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
