So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
