It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
