I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
