My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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