My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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