I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
