sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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