I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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