It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
