my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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