Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
