Please, let me fuck your mom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
