my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
