Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
